What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
