I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
