he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
