Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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