i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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