I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize