you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize