Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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