Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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