Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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