If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
