Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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