She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ladies don't puke and tell
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
