I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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