I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
