I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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