On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
