Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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