The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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