remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
