now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
