He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
