I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
