Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
