Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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