she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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