I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
