don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
