Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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