tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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