His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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