There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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