At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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