I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
