i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
