Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize