I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
