I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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