Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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