I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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