I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
