as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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