If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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