Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
