I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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