Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
