you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize