but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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