he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
