She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
