She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
