I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Houston, we have a blender
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
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