So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
