Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
