I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
