It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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