i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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