No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
