And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
