So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
